The Chico Suicides

Strangest darned pictures of the elderly Chico and Harpo I've ever seen...
But I can't stop looking at 'em. I love the way that drill bit seems to warp and bend, because they haven't lined themselves up properly.

New “Flywheel, Shyster & Flywheel” script discovered in Australia!

One of our newest council members is Jennifer Filips from Australia, who got in touch a while back with this to say:

I am a really big Marx Brothers fan and I'm really excited to find your site because it teaches me new things about them.
I'm only 13, but I still like them.
I really like the Swordfish scene and the bits where Groucho sings.
I even do piano lessons so I can teach myself how to play like Chico.

(Incidentally, when I mentioned in my last post that she was 'learning to play the piano like Chico', she rushed to quash any potential misconception, urging me to stress that she is not being taught to play like him, but is doing so surreptitiously, as her piano teachers want her to play "smoothly and slowly", opining that the Chico method is "too silly".)

Then, a while later, she got in touch to say that she had written a new Flywheel script for Groucho and Chico to perform, a prodigious feat indeed, especially when you consider that my treatment for Deputy Seraph The Movie still ends abruptly after the opening nuclear holocaust montage.

So anyway, here it is for your reading - and listening, in the mind's ear as it were - pleasure...

Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel- Script #1

Announcer: British Broadcasting System in proud association with the Five Star Theater in proud association with the Five Star Theatre proudly present the Marx Brothers in... Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel!
(Cue opening music.)

*Telephone Rings*

Miss Dimple: Yes? Yes. Yes. No. I expect him to be back very shortly. Yes. Good-bye.

Groucho/ Flywheel: Miss. Dimple, who was that on the phone?

Miss Dimple: That was Mr. Gladox. He has some important business to discuss with you.

Flywheel/Groucho: Important business? Tell him to come in Tuesday. I'm going golfing Sunday.

Miss Dimple: But Mr. Flywheel, today is Monday!

Flywheel: Yes, I know, but I'm going golfing today as well.

*Door knocks.*

Chico/ Ravelli: Hello, boss. Hello, Miss. Dim.

Miss Dimple: Hello.

Flywheel: Ravelli, why are you so late?

Ravelli/Chico: I was held up at a fast-food restaurant.

Flywheel: You were held up at a fast-food restaurant?

Ravelli: I was ham-burgled.

Flywheel: (To audience:) He's a big ham, isn't he folks?
(To Ravelli, sarcastically:) Forgive me for asking this, but what else happened, Ravelli?

Ravelli: I was put in ham-cuffs. But I getta out all-a-right.

Flywheel: How did you escape?

Ravelli: I just ate the chains and ran out.
Flywheel: (Sarcastically) Well, that went better than expected.

(Music break. "Blue Skies" plays.)

Flywheel: Miss. Dimple, didn't you say that a man wanted to see me?

Miss Dimple: That's right, Mr. Flywheel.

Flywheel: Good. Well, where is he?

Miss Dimple: You told me to tell him to come in on Tuesday, Mr. Flywheel.

Flywheel: Oh, yes. Miss. Dimple, take a letter.

Miss Dimple: Yes, sir. What would you like me to write?

Flywheel: Dear Mr. Gladox -

Miss Dimple: One D or 2 Ds?

Flywheel: Send the 1, and the second can follow.

Miss Dimple. OK. Now what do I write?

(Sound effect: type-writer)

Flywheel: Because you are arriving on Tuesday, I am writing in regards to your departure. Leave promptly at 2 PM on Thursday.

Miss Dimple: Why Thursday?

Flywheel: By that time he'll be sober.
From, Waldorf T. Flywheel.
Miss Dimple, read that back to me.

Miss Dimple: OK, Mr. Flywheel.
Dear Mr. Gladox,
Make your departure no later than Thursday.
Care of Waldorf T. Flywheel.

Flywheel: There seems to be a lot missing there.

(Ravelli enters.)

Ravelli: Eh, boss, boss!

Flywheel: Yes, what is it, Ravelli?

Ravelli: Can I ask you a question?

Flywheel: Not if I know what's good for me, but go ahead.

Ravelli: All'a'right. What has 4 wheels and flies?

Flywheel (Sarcastically):I don't know. I give up. What has 4 wheels and flies?

Ravelli: A fruit fly!

Flywheel: I guess that I should've known that one, Ravelli.

Ravelli: Eh, that's a-good, eh, boss?

Flywheel (Sarcastically): Fantastic. Hey, Miss. Dimple, how is the letter?

Miss Dimple: Fine, Mr. Flywheel

Flywheel: Good.

Ravelli: Eh, boss, did you know that my uncle used to do impressions?

Flywheel: Impressions? Like what?

Ravelli: He used to do impressions of onions.

Flywheel: He really must've made people weep.

(Groucho (Flywheel) starts singing "Sing Us a Sensible Song" and Chico (Ravelli) joins in.)

Ravelli: Eh, that was a-nice, boss.

Flywheel(Sarcastically): If you can call it that.
(Sadly): It is really cold up here.

Ravelli: Eh, I a-know! How about-a we go to Florida?

Flywheel: Good idea, Ravelli. Something has come out of that head for the first time.

Ravelli: That's not nice.

Flywheel: I know, but it's true. Let's go to Florida!

Ravelli: OK, boss.

Flywheel: Miss Dimple, would you like to come with us?

Miss Dimple: Come where?

Flywheel: To sunny Florida! With the beaches! Nothing to do all day but sit in the sun! No work, just play!

Miss Dimple: Oh, yes! I'd love to come!

Flywheel: But then you'd have no work! No, I'm sorry Miss Dimple, but you must stay here!

Miss Dimple (Sadly): OK.

Flywheel: Ravelli and I will be back soon enough anyway.

Miss Dimple: Have a good time!

Ravelli: Don't a-worry, we-a will.

(Cue ending music.)

Announcer: This has been the Marx Brothers in... Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel!
Next week, what will they do in Florida? You'll have to tune in and see!

I get the message!

Has it really been February since I last posted?

All I can say is thanks so much for caring still, and not forgetting all about us. It's true I've been shamefully neglecting things here, all the while claiming imminent return every time someone's got in touch to say, How bout it then?
I guess the last straw was this morning, when I woke to find an email in my in-box headed "Annotated Guide to Humour Risk" which once opened revealed the message "I knew that would get your attention."

This is what happens when you have too many blogs.

But I give you my personal guarantee (not, I hasten to add, with Mr Hammer's codicil) that the Council will be back this week, and regularly thereafter. Forthcoming are such unimaginable delights as the annotated guide to A Day at the Races, an interview with Flywheel historian Andrew T. Smith, a brand new Flywheel script, as written by a 13 year old Marx fan from Australia who even as we speak is learning to play the piano like Chico, and Groucho's guide to shaving.
And those are just the bits I've had sitting round almost ready to go since February.

In fact, as a measure of my good will, I won't even make you wait for that last one.